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What I Learned from 10+ Years of Notes
What a decade of notebooks taught me about becoming someone new
James Xander
January 25, 2026
Hello cosmic soul ~
Let me share with you a story.
I’ve been spending the last couple of months in my hometown in Canada. Working on myself, meditating, listening to messages from my higher self, tuning into what’s next for me.
I’m nearing the end of that cycle as I head off to Bali to host my third (and final) God Mode Retreat (more on that later in this email).
During this rare quiet moment in Canada, I took this time as an opportunity to go through all of my old journals and notebooks. I wanted to digitize the notes I deemed important, then shred the rest (as a symbolic letting go of the past).
I went through dozens upon dozens of notebooks (it literally must’ve been 100+ notebooks) – everything from tiny Moleskine notebooks (remember those?) to coiled notebooks, loose pages, random sticky notes, and scattered index cards. I went through EVERYTHING.
All in all, it was going through 10+ years worth of notes, all the way from 2015. A few small notebooks went back as far as 2006, 2007, 2008, which was wild (and slightly embarrassing) to glimpse my teenage self.
Throughout my ‘notebook retrospective’, I noticed a few interesting things that I wanted to share with you.
First, I expected to find some golden gems and insights in the old notebooks, especially in the years 2015-2016, where I had some really wild twists of fate. Great highs of success, followed by some really dark times. I wanted to see what I could glean from that time. Were there clues in the 2015 notebooks – seeds that, in hindsight, clearly led to what unfolded in 2016 and 2017?
In some ways, yes. For example, there were some fascinating clues to my mindset at the time. The 2015-2016 version of me was seriously focused. Totally locked in. The amount of times the word ‘persistence’, ‘focus’, and ‘immersion’ (as in, being totally immersed with work) came up in those notes was pretty revealing. 2015 James was locked in AF.
It was also fascinating to see how certain ideas actually came to me. Memory has a funny way of compressing the events of your life. Seeing the EXACT moment that an idea came to me, or the random Reddit post led me to the next clue in my journey, was incredible.
I took especially meticulous notes between 2015-2016, and they were all categorized chronologically. Reading through them was like reading through a movie, a movie where you already know the ending. You’re reading about your character in act 1, meanwhile you already know about the wild success that will happen in act 2, and the epic annihilation and collapse that will happen in act 3. And the rebuilding that will happen in act 4 (the unexpected sequel!)
Many times I had to laugh at my younger self worrying about something or wondering about a ‘life decision’. Many times I would say to myself “Oh boy. He has nooooo idea what’s about to happen in the next few weeks.” It was entertaining, tragic, and hilarious to watch the events of my life unfold in ‘real-time', knowing exactly where the story would take me next.
I also saw various challenges and ‘problems’ I was going through at the time, things I was worried about, things on my ‘to-do’ list, things that I ‘should’ do. Some of those things are still on my to-do list. This made me laugh so much. I’m thinking, “Ok, this thing I ‘should’ do has been like a 10 year+ thing. We should probably drop it or make peace with it.” Hilarious.
Other times it was fascinating to see that what I was worried about – the ‘problems’ of myself at that time – felt so irrelevant from my current vantage point. I wanted to go back to younger James and say “Dude, this will not be important to you in 10 years. Or even 2 years. Trust me on this.” But of course, to my 10 years younger self, it was very important. Very relevant!
Younger James was also more afraid. That was a good thing to see from the present moment. Things that scared younger James wouldn’t make me bat an eye today. The older you are, the less you’re moved by things. Oh, this scary thing happened? So what. You trust yourself to be able to handle it.
“These things do not move me.”
It made me ask myself: what am I afraid of today that future me wouldn’t bat an eye at?
What are you afraid of today that future you wouldn’t bat an eye at? What would you 10+ year self think of your current fear/challenge/edge? Tune into him/her.
Most of the things we’re afraid of are complete illusions. This was especially obvious looking through 10+ years of life written down in notebooks.
There were other things I was worried about or stressed about that did indeed turn out to have stressful consequences. I remember reading a sentence on one page about something I was worried about, and I thought “Yep, this will indeed have disastrous consequences…” 😂
But here’s the thing. Even THOSE things, some of which were unpleasant to deal with, uncomfortable, and rough … even those things pretty much all ‘washed away’ with the benefit of time. Things I thought I wouldn’t get over… guess what… give it 10 years, and you find out you do get over it.
Today, I would have vastly more tools to integrate a painful or stressful moment right away, in the moment, so it wouldn’t need to take 10 years of the currents of time to wash away the pain of something. I also have incredible mentors I can turn to, something my younger self didn’t have in the same capacity.
Still, it was fascinating was to see that even without those tools and without the mentors, just the act of living through life, just the passage of time itself, washes away most regrets, pains, and problems. It really does get better.
(Side note: Time really is an incredible invention of this simulation.)
Two separate times in two different notebooks, a specific book name and author was written down. A book I had never read, ever, but had clearly crossed my radar and felt important enough to write down 10 years ago. I almost missed the name of it as I was flipping through the pages, but it kind of flashed out at me.
I decided to buy the book on Kindle. Within the first few pages of the preface, I felt like I had found a mystic text that I had been seeking. Wild. Almost like my past self left clues for my future self to find. Why would I write down the name of a book I had never read, twice? Maybe so I could pick it up 10 years later and read it? Very strange and mystical. (The book itself is about strange synchronicities… all right, cheeky Universe, I get it!!)
Now… here’s the sobering part of all of my notebook explorations. This one surprised me. Despite gleaning some interesting gems and insights from how my mind operated at the time, watching the ‘movie’ of my life unfold, notebook by notebook, page by page… I have to say that the majority of the notes… despite how important they must’ve seemed at the time …. were completely useless to my present self.
This, perhaps, is the greatest insight, and I want to pass it on to you.
The majority of the notes had little to no relation to my current present of self. In fact, even though I could recognize the person that wrote them, that person didn’t feel like ‘me’. The operating system had changed and evolved over the past 10 years to the point where reading these 10+ year old notes felt like reading the notes of someone else. A different life. A different set of priorities. Different code running in their brain.
I could of course recognize myself in it. And some elements of my personality have hilariously stayed exactly the same over the last 10 years. Certain things that I was obsessed with 10 years ago I am still obsessed with today, and I had a really good laugh when I saw how certain miscellaneous aspects of my personality remain the same.
But in other ways, so much had changed. And these notes, which I had gone through partly in the hope of finding some ‘hidden gold’ in them… they were, for the most part, totally irrelevant to where I’m at. I went into my archive of notebooks thinking I would find something super interesting… I came out of these explorations mostly realizing I don’t need any of these notes. As important as they were to my past self, they were dead weight today.
All I need is my current brain, the present moment, a mission to pursue, a vision for the future, and time and energy to execute it. That’s it.
As a voracious notetaker (who would never even think of shredding his ‘precious notebooks’), it was liberating to realize that all of these scribbles on paper were nothing compared to the power that I held in the present moment, in myself, in my current abilities. The most important ‘notes’ were my learned wisdom and experience, that I carried with me everywhere.
The most important asset I owned was my current operating system.
Put me anywhere on the globe without any physical assets or resources, but give me access to my brain, my precise and sharp operating system, honed over years of experience, and I’d be able to find my way out of any situation.
(Or I wouldn’t, and this particular simulation would end. Either way, all is well.)
I wanted to share this lesson with you because I think there was a part of me holding on to the past, to the way ‘things were’, to certain opportunities I felt I had ‘missed’, to certain regrets I wish I could undo… and I felt like maybe by reviewing my entire life history through these notebooks would bring me peace and closure and insight.
And truly, in some ways it has… it was really worth it to take the time to look at all the iterations of my previous self, all the timelines I had lived through… but in a much bigger way, it simply made me appreciate who I am NOW.
It made me appreciate the biggest gift in the world - who I am now and the power of this present moment - worth 1000x more than any insight I could glean from my past.
There is nothing waiting for you in the past. Nothing.
Nothing that compares with the beauty of this present moment and your glorious future.
And if there is, it will naturally come up for you to integrate, heal, accept, forgive. I don’t claim that I will never look back on my past or gain meaning from it. I trust if there’s any open loops that need to be looked at, they will naturally come up in my consciousness at the right moment… or, the right mushroom trip. 👽
“What lies ahead is greater than what lies behind.”
What lies ahead is GREATER than what lies behind.
If you have ever struggled with regret, with your past, with mistakes you’ve made, opportunities you’ve missed, or should’ve/could’ve/would’ve thoughts… please engrave this into your brain:
WHAT LIES AHEAD IS GREATER THAN WHAT LIES BEHIND.
This is the truth.
I had painted a rosy picture of what I felt some years represented to me in the past. And looking through my notebook archive, I gained a whole new appreciation for the present. I’m starting to understand why people say later in life that they wouldn’t go back to their youth if given the choice, even if they had the ability to redo certain aspects of their life. Because the wisdom gained through walking through the fire – the person you become through that experience – is actually worth more.
What lies ahead is great than what lies behind.
I’m writing this newsletter as I prepare to embark back to Bali, for a new chapter.
And yes, I’ll still be scribbling down observations and notes along the way. And somewhere in the future, my future self will chuckle at these notes.
The present moment is all we have. Make sure you take full advantage of it.
“Come back to reality, Dom.”
Come back to the present.
James
The FINAL God Mode Retreat
If you’re ready to come fully into the present, make peace with your past, and step into your 2.0 self, I’d love to invite you to my God Mode Retreat, March 3–7th.
This will likely be my LAST God Mode Retreat. We have a very limited number of spots open. (Technically, there was only one spot left, but after speaking with the retreat centre, we were able to open up two additional spaces. That’s it!)
I had previously considered hosting another retreat in May, but my intuition told me that that if there’s to be another retreat in 2026, it needs to be something entirely new. Something different. So the May retreat is no more.
That means this is the God Mode Retreat. One moment. One initiation. One opportunity to experience this work in its current form.
We already have an amazing group of people coming to the March 3-7th retreat.
Will you join us?
Cosmic Podcasts
If you haven’t listened to my three-part podcast series with Tej Dosa, I highly recommend it.
This is a powerful series that delves into oneness, presence, consciousness, metaphysics, wealth dynamics, and so much more. I can’t think of a better conversation to tune into in 2026.
You can access it on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and YouTube. Look for episodes #64, 65, and 66.
✨ About James Xander
James Xander is a psychedelic and consciousness explorer, dedicated to helping individuals elevate their consciousness, mindset, and mastery of reality.
Through his flagship 30-day course, Unlock God Mode, James offers a one-of-a-kind journey into consciousness expansion, mindset shifts, and deep spiritual awakening. This transformative experience is designed to help individuals unlock their fullest potential and navigate reality with mastery.
As the host of The James Xander Trip podcast, he engages in deep conversations with thought leaders in psychedelics, spirituality, and mindset. Available on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts, the show is a hub for wisdom seekers and consciousness explorers alike.